victory's rose..

The light and blazing flame that arises within you O glorious Pain and deep Darkness, is His glory,
because even the depths of you, Wrenching Agony, belong to the Son - to the One I love.
He loved me first, sweet and bloody it may be, but this Victory is mine.
At the bottom of this cup of sorrow is Life beyond all I could hope for or even imagine.
And as in all seasons there is death that brings change, letting go, laying down.
Let this season of loss be a doorway to a fuller expression of His life through me.
For the fame of His name. For the fame of His beautiful, great name.

outsider..

Its about 1030pm, its about time my eyelids surrendered. But I can't stop thinking.
There's a few 'conferences' happening this week, these meetings have been on my mind because they are tied up with my internal wrestling, questions and pain..

I'm tired. I am this far along in the journey, with a hell of a long way to go, in pursuit of this One who keeps calling me on. But I am an outsider.

I used to be really good at the whole conference thing. I could preach, lead, sing and pray with the best. A part of me still longs for the brotherhood of those times. But I got burnt. Ouch. Burnt for the better I reckon. And now if I even go within an inch of these types of meetings, the realisation dawns on me that I am not like these people anymore. I love them. But I am not like them at all.

And what am I like? I think I am getting a handle on why Paul called himself the chief of sinners, the scum of the scum, because the deeper I pursue this One, the more aware I am of my brokenness and weakness, and utter dependency I must have on His grace and truth. He is my Only Way, my Only Truth, my Life.

I can't judge these conferences or the people that go to them, good things happen. If anything I am simply jealous for the companionship they share, but I am an outsider. I don't hold onto being burnt or my past experiences, God's been good to heal me. I just know one thing, that my soul only fits in the wild places.

My Ma was talking today about what happened to Jesus-followers when Emperor Constantine legalised Christianity in the 3rd century. They didn't stick around to live in the comfort, there wasn't any room for that burning kind of faith with persecution and hardship gone. So these people disappeared into the wilderness and became the Desert Fathers and Mothers.

Imagine that? The desert. Flag the wine and cheese, I vote for sand, suffering and certain ugly death. Cheers.

It begs the question tho, if you have any claim to faith, what does your desert look like?


So, back on the topic of modern christianity and its bandwagons.. there's been alot of talk around mission, worship, doing what Jesus wants us to do..

Talk.

Today..all day..with this heavy heart, I have been walking alongside the broken with a few other outsiders. My worship was cradling snotty, cold, crying kids in my arms til they slept, my mission was in feeding the hungry, sitting with the sad and the poor, championing the damaged, tracking awol kids... These aren't just people to help out and do good deeds for. Fuck that. Good deeds don't look remotely like Jesus to me. And talking about doing them looks even less like Him. These beautiful, precious, broken people are family to me.

So I'm not giving myself a high-five for today. This entire journey is a constant revelation of how very little this has to do with me, and how everything revolves around the Son.

All I got is more motivation to hit my knees and get humble. Tomorrow is another day, with more of these faces, more lives to love and learn from, and in the process offer up my hearts cry to find more of this Beautiful One in this desert.


Bless South Aux - the Promised Land.

A Tricycle Conqueror called Trouble

Ben is a kid who was staying at the same campground as us over the holidays.
Ben is the second youngest in a family of 8. He is 2 years old.
The first time I heard of Ben was when his mother was yelling his name.
Infact she did this quite often in the days that they were camping near us all.
Ben did not look for trouble. He just was.
The first time I saw Ben was with his right arm in cast, pushing his tricycle to the highest point on a very steep hill. Once satisfied he was at the most dangerous point, he launched himself at full speed straight down it on his precarious wheels with his hands above his head, roaring at the top of his little lungs.

He was incredibly stoked with himself.

And I thought to myself with grin, Ben will be one of those people that conquers the world.

seven days+one year+this life - I'm home

It was a Monday night that I began thinking about this from a cosy, chaotic spot in the Baking Club room, which is a part of my new home in Mangere. Exhaustion had kicked me in the head days ago and a good, red wine would make me anyone's new, best, favourite friend, but in the midst I was contemplating this year in its fullness.

I'm still doing the same from the coast of Northland. The vast hush of the bush, the sea and the sands that stretch out are becoming the soundtrack for my soul here.

Here's my Home is on constant repeat. Even though I am miles away from Auckland right now. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to these songs since the release night, but I've cried every one of those times, my heart gets so stirred up..

Earthly pleasures vainly call me
I would be like Jesus
Nothing wordly shall enthrall me
I would be like Jesus..


So in my reminiscing about this year, I was talking with my Mum who reminded me of that sweet, old hymn 'When I survey the Wondrous Cross'..

When I survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of Glory died;
my richest gain I count but loss,
and pour contempt on all my pride.
Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
save in the death of Christ, my God;
all the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to his blood.

See, from his head, his hands, his feet,
sorrow and love flow mingled down.
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
or thorns compose so rich a crown.

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
that were an offering far too small;
love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.

We are living in this incredible season of sorrow and love being mingled and poured out. I feel like my life is under the outpouring of this in all its intensity right now.

2009 was all about elimination. That is what suffering does to you. It strips you bare of the good, the bad, the comfortable, any pretenses and vain imaginations. It brings you face to face with raw honesty in your soul. Its that point that you realise you have nothing. Nothing. And that it is ok.

And in the midst of this place, you finally have space to embrace the Wonder that is true Hope.

So, rich was my crown of thorns this year, but it is my determination still to offer my life in 2010 to know the Love, so amazing, so divine, that demands my soul, my life, my all.


I was lost, but now I'm found
Now I know the sweetest sound
Father's love and Hope surround
Here's my Home..

psalm 13

Long enough, God— you've ignored me long enough.
I've looked at the back of your head long enough.
Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble,
lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemies
have looked down their noses at me.

Take a good look at me, God, my God;
I want to look life in the eye,
So no enemy can get the best of me
or laugh when I fall on my face.

I've thrown myself headlong into your arms
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers
-Psalm 13


Have been meditating on this for the last few months since Greg read it out at Camp..
This year has been all about processing, with my nervous, immune and respiratory systems all crashing out at various painful points as well as having to face demons with regard to chronic depression and severe panic attacks. Outside of my own battles, there's been my Dad's cancer and so many sadnesses and tragedies for friends.. so much pain for us all. I haven't felt ignored by God, but sometimes I've literally been drowning, clinging onto His grace not knowing how there could be any answers.

Ben Harper's got this song Roses from my Friends..and its unfortunately proven true in the last year, however I am not bitter or resentful towards these people. Its been the challenge to my heart in my brokenness to let go of expectations and let the perfect One pour out wholeness for me.

The stones from my enemies
These wounds will mend
But I cannot survive
The roses from my friends

So when it made no sense at all I still chose to run headlong into His arms, and I'm starting to see that its working out for the best. The mystery of God is that He is big enough to contain all our darkness, all our joy and sorrows. I'm finding Him often in the night when I'm painting some wall, or standing in a club listening to music, or hearing the stillness at 3am and breathing it in..

This furnace of life continues to light up His goodness for me. So I keep yielding to the work of the One greater than I, trusting His love.

"The light and blazing flame that arises within you O glorious Pain and deep Darkness, is His glory, because even the depths of you, Wrenching Agony, belong to the Son - to the One I love. He loved me first, sweet and bloody it may be, but this Victory is mine. At the bottom of this cup of sorrow is Life beyond all I could hope for or even imagine. And as in all seasons there is death that brings change, letting go, laying down. Let this season of loss be a doorway to a fuller expression of His life through me. For the fame of His name. For the fame of His beautiful, great name."

Ray LaMontagne - Empty

"Well I looked my demons in the eye
laid bare my chest
said do your best
to destroy me

I've been to hell and back
so many times
I must admit
you kinda bore me

There's a lot of things
that can kill a man
there's a lot of ways
to die
yes, and some already did
that walked beside me

There's a lot of things
I don't understand
so many people lie
it's the hurt I hide that fuels
the fire inside me

Will I always feel this way
so empty
so estranged?"

C-bomb..

So, Dad dropped the C-bomb. He has cancer.

I feel like I've been holding my breath for days and just cannot breathe out.

At first it felt like my world had completely imploded and there was this incredible silence while chaos erupted around me. Now there is pain, so much pain.

Utterly devastated. And yet, so thankful all at the same time. The dark night of my soul just got darker, but this grieving process encourages me to pursue Truth even more. Every day I'm looking at life from a perspective that holds greater colour, the smallest kindnesses are amplified, God's greatness is off-the-scale-amazing.

My Ma talks about the 'dazzling darkness', often people are too afraid of what they don't understand, or naturally run from what is too painful, however there is treasure to be found in these places that we will never find anywhere else.


My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in.

And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. -Ephesians 3v14-19


Its amazing to think that God's love is so great, so all expansive.. yet in reality how will we ever know that there is love and treasure to be found far out in the deserted width, or sunk low in the despair of the deep, but to be flung out into these places on our own and have to find it out for ourselves.

Its taken 28 years, but in the last few months my relationship with my Dad has been so healed. I realise that some people never get the chance to forgive, to love and be thankful.

For all its agony, this season is priceless. A treasure.


God, may this journey of sacred sorrow echo with your worth...